name forgetters

Understanding  how our brain works helps us crteate the tools that aid us in life and in our work. 

Do you find yourself being introduced to a person and then quickly, sometimes instantly forgetting their name? Or, after meeting somebody you later remember what that person looks like, or where they live, or what they do for work or how many kids they have, and now you have no idea what their name is.

A name can be hard to attach to a person…and unfortunately I have never been great at remembering names. My working careers have always been people-centric and I have at times felt bad about this challenge, even trying several techniques along the way with some help but no real solution. So in the end I have labelled myself as a Name Forgetter.

For a period of time in my life I was responsible for selling a line of AG equipment into a large remote valley of feed grass and alfalfa farmers. Now years later when I reach back to remember the family names of those farmers, the first and only family name that I can quickly recall is Grassman. Beyond that family name, I am struggling to recall any other farm family names in that valley, some of whom became great friends…why is this? Because the other names don’t match what they do, ie who they are! More interesting is the fact that the Grassman family was one that I did the least amount of business with. The reality is that their name was attached to what they did. They were grass farmers and had a name, a label that was descriptive of what they did and who they were in society. BUT, reality is that the label of a person’s name rarely looks or sounds like the traits of the person that they are. This randomness and difficulty of connection between the name and the person creates a challenge inside of our brain.

As an example, let’s say that somebody today introduces you to Peggy. Your brain would first attempt to process her name as attached to something about her to help you apply the label of Peggy to her. What does a Peggy look like or do for a living? Where does a Peggy live or sound or smell like? You usually would have very little to attach her to because you just met her. Now let’s say that you have an aunt or friend, or there is a famous actress or politician that you can attach her to in your mind immediately…then her label has a much better chance of attaching to her. If you cannot quickly find that attachment, you usually will then not be very successful at remembering her name. Now if Peggy looked like a peg (maybe like a wooden peg), then you may be much more successful at tagging that label onto her. And unfortunately in today’s society it is rare that a Baker is a Baker or a Carpenter is a Carpenter. 

In a social setting, when a name doesn’t come to me, I have a personal database of generic labels that I use as a toolbox of neutral time-buyers. Here is my list: Pal, friend, dude, man, girl, chika, bro, comrade, pilgrim or pilgrimina, chief, boss, dawg, partner, etc.. Tailor your list for your people. This tool is great until you have to introduce them to somebody else…that’s when real skill comes in handy; good luck with that.

As we get to know somebody we will build up a database that forms who they are and eventually the name label will have the person to stick to. If we don’t have the opportunity to meet more often with and learn more about that person, they will probably end up as “Dave’s friend”, or “the girl with the dark hair and pigtails”. And names don’t just apply to people, they also apply to whatever we label, like things and places.

In some basic ways though we do have some general or universal words that can act as bridges in communication. This is also why you can easily remember and refer to colors and shapes as they are basic and universal. My default is often not to burden myself with accessing the name of a thing by saying something like “It’s that yellow thing over there” or “It’s that tall blue building on the corner”, using color and/or shape as a communication bridge. I may sound like a 5 year old sometimes, but it works! Most often I am successful with this form of communication because it is simple and basic and overrides the need to access or add more complex labels into my memory. Also, identifying things by color and shape and attributes are most times more true and logical than trying to access a name that looks or feels nothing like the actual thing (or person). This is why the tool of a nickname works so well. I remember a football player named “The Fridge” from way back in the 1980’s. He was called this because he was shaped like a big refrigerator…and so I remember him and his nickname still today (William Perry - Refrigerator Perry by the way, played for the Bears).

As a private investigator, your mind has a constant and dynamic flood of information flowing through it. There are times when you are overloaded and you must choose either to find or create tools, or lose your mind. We deal with clients, attorneys, victims, experts, legal assistants, court staff, officers, PO’s, CO’s, witnesses, victims, resources…the list goes on. One simple case can require a dozen people to deal with, all with seemingly random names that are cognitively expensive to store because the name (label) does not easily connect with the person. This randomness takes up a bunch of space that the brain could be using for more high priority or easier to access information. The reality is that labels and names are treated as low priority information in the brain and thus will need to have other supportive or experiential information built around them to make the label rise up…and stick. 

People are different than things. You will internally and naturally remember somebody’s voice, their smile, their walk and words well before you can remember their name. Who a person is is more important than the name that is applied to them. The name is a social requirement that we have communally decided to apply to each other, but it is not who we are. So we push our brain to make this label stick to this person, and it is no wonder many or most of us must work hard to make that label stick or later access it within our memory. 

When you go out somewhere and you see somebody that you have not seen for a while, you naturally say to yourself, “I know that person”. You remember X and Y and M about them, but their name is just out on the edge of your memory, the tip of your tongue. It is frustrating and socially embarrassing, but it is natural. It is OK because you do remember the person, you just are having to dig deeper in your memory to access their label. So all you Name Forgetters out there, don’t be down on yourselves…welcome to being human!

Remember, a name is just a label. What is attached to that name is what is important.